26
April

514 Outfit Post – Lost but Never Forgotten

514 Outfit Post – Lost but Never Forgotten

It took two full plates of lasagna, a hot cup of green tea, listening to Vanessa Paradis on repeat, a bath and a couple of hugs from my babe to shake the nightmarish dream I woke up from this morning.

Honestly, my emotions might as well be paintball caps that have exploded against a brick wall right now.

For some reason I have been having these recurring marriage dreams that end up with me waking up with full blown anxiety, nausea and dread.  Some of them are about me resisting my own (imaginary) wedding, while others are me attending my exes ceremony (he is apparently tying the knot this month).  I know I have issues when it comes to the topic of marriage, but why then would the dreams of my ex getting married affect me so much?  I feel no jealousy, am incredibly happy that he has found love, and am not interested in him or his life any longer…

So why is this getting under my skin?!?  Is it normal to want to spend the rest of my life isolated and alone when I hear the word “marriage”?  Honestly… what the hell is wrong with me?  Or is it everybody else who has lost their marbles jumping head first into the scariest decision of life…

On another note (as I am still currently trying to distract my mind from racing back into the feeling of misery that all this morning’s efforts semi-erased), this weekend Vlad and I took a stroll in the cemetery to visit some old friends and family.

There seem to be so many people out there who feel disturbed by cemeteries.  When I was younger I was terrified of death.  It was my worst nightmare to no longer exist in this world.  I would stay up and mentally torturing myself with thoughts of just being another dot on the map that would soon enough disappear without anybodies notice.  Many nights I would resist letting my eyelids close for fear that I wouldn’t make it through the night… I figured that for as long as I was awake I was alive.

Then, throughout high school I lost many family members and friends within a five year time frame.  Some of them had cancer, some heart attacks that left them in comas… others were taken all too soon from tragedies.  Grief became a familiar friend of mine, and those years were some of the toughest of my life.

Somewhere in there I learned the frailty and value of life.  That is doesn’t matter which walk of life you originate from, what age, your health condition or what your happiness level is – we are all only mere mortals.  Mortals with odds for and against us but whose luck could run short at any moment.  All this to sum up the fact that I no longer see death as a threat.  I walk amongst it with gratitude for each and every breath I take… for each ability I have… and can only keep my fingers crossed that my time will pan out as long as I hope!

Cemeteries to me are grounds filled with love and tragedy.  It is beautiful to see someone visit a grave and spend time with the one they’ve lost.  To plant flowers, light candles and say prayers for them.  To be able to continue happily in life, but never forget the impact that person has made.

If there is one thing I have successfully identified within myself as one of my biggest fears – it’s being forgotten and unnoticed.  Maybe that sounds or comes across as vain, but it seems to go hand in hand with me being terrified of being “replaced”.  You see, everybody is unique, different and beautiful in their own ways but only few actually walk the extra mile to get to know that.  Most assume, judge and release negative poisons into the air and directly into your life.  Most are so consumed with themselves that they fail at connecting or really loving anybody else… and of course there are others who take full advantage of those who do give everything.  Humans can be a miserable species… there are those amongst us however, who have intentions of angels without any alternative game plan (ha… good luck finding them though…).

I could spend the whole day on Mont Royal (North America’s second largest cemetery), just reading tombstones and thinking.  Feeling protected from all the energies swirling around up there.  Imagining the stories of lives lived, the families and triumphs experienced.  The people I could possibly know and their families that live on…

I sometimes hope that I am visiting a grave that nobody has… perhaps someone who never really had family or whose loved ones live elsewhere.  Maybe if they are gazing down to earth every once and awhile they would be happy to see that someone dropped by to say “hi”… that they had a visitor for once :) .

Sometimes it’s just a great place for a good cry.  When life gets overwhelming and all you wish for are those people back.

Sometimes you just need to release by letting the tears capture all the hurt in your body and letting them roll down your cheeks, and out of your life.  It seems there will always be emotional build up… so sometimes crying can be a really good cleanse.

I haven’t told many people this, but if everybody actually does have their own personal guardian angel (and I think I have a few)… I think I know exactly who mine are.

Call me crazy, but sometimes things in my life just happen and I just can’t shake the feeling that it could be a gift from them.  My guardian angels are always workin’ hard and watchin’ out for me :) .

What I’m Wearing

  • Forever 21 Romper & Wedges
  • Rudsak trench
  • Marc by Marc clutch
  • Classic Hardware Key to My Heart Necklace

We went to go visit Vlad’s Grandma :) .  Wish I could have known her (she did a great job on her family so I know she must have been incredible herself).

xox

Never Forget… everyone is their own Unforgettable.

Tags Posted under 514 Outfit Post, Paranoia, Personal, Uncategorized, montreal by Robyn

23 Responses


  • Highly fucking disrespectful! May they rest in peace without being photograph for ones personal gain. P.s has it ever occured to you that you are still in love with you ex?

    by: anonymous, Apr 26th at 5:11 pm

  • Thank you so much for posting this. For some reason, for the past 3 or so years, I’ve been afraid of death like crazy, just the…nothingness of it. And I think that’s in part because I don’t really have a belief system or TRUE belief in religion, and therefore I’m not sure if I believe in heaven or an afterlife. I’m really hoping I can learn to value life and to cherish every moment, though! Thanks for the…realization? :)
    (oh, and I love the outfit!)

    by: Laura, Apr 26th at 5:23 pm

  • Love your outfit and this post was really very introspective. I respect your ability to write about something this personal in a way that doesn’t come off as narcissistic. You raise a good point about not fearing death, so I can’t believe how that first commenter could say what they say – did they even read what you were writing??

    by: MizzJ, Apr 26th at 5:56 pm

  • I’m sorry if I offended you, and no I am not in love with my ex – thanks for asking!

    by: Robyn, Apr 26th at 7:55 pm

  • I am not religious, but I consider myself to be spiritual. I think as long as you feel like your energy will live on it will most definitely add a sense of comfort (I know it does for me). Thank you for your comment!

    by: Robyn, Apr 26th at 7:58 pm

  • Thank you! Many people just skim and assume… I realize it may urk some that I took pictures in a cemetery, but I don’t feel it does any harm. I guess it’s kinda personal :)

    by: Robyn, Apr 26th at 8:01 pm

  • No need to apologize.:) some people are more sensitive towards death than others. Some had to bury the one they cherish earlier than expected. Hence, the anger and fustration builds up when they see people taking photoshoots at cemetaries. You are right. It is a place to mourn reminise… But not to do the catwalk.

    by: anonymous, Apr 26th at 8:17 pm

  • I love the cemetery pics. Love them. People who have issues with them need to lighten the heck up. The dead are either gone or lonely, so either way you’re good.

    Also, those shoes are such perfection.

    I hope the bad dreams even out soon.

    by: EmilyKennedy, Apr 26th at 8:18 pm

  • I agree with Emily re the pictures. Some of your pictures are tinged with reflection, sorrow and loss and because of this I find them beautiful. I also agree with your spiritual and energy comment above. Best way to think to add a sense of comfort.

    by: Danielle, Apr 26th at 11:07 pm

  • I love this post so much… It is so deep and sincere. In Haitian superstition, dreamig of a wedding means you will soon attend a funeral in real life. When I dream about wedding I am afraid someone close to me will die.

    by: Eunice, Apr 27th at 7:31 am

  • Great outfit!!! love the trench!

    by: Isa, Apr 27th at 10:04 am

  • @Eunice… wow! That is crazy! I sure hope this isn’t a premonition!

    by: Robyn, Apr 27th at 12:33 pm

  • While i do strongly agree with the comment about a cemetery not being the most tactful place for a photo shoot and hope that no one is gravely hurt by your seeming disrespect for their lost loved ones i do understand that this is a blog about your life and if a day of it was spent visiting those with whom you can no longer physically experience then i don’t see why you should not include it in your blog. At least you had enough respect not to include the engraved names of anyone with whom you did not experience life.

    by: annon, Apr 27th at 2:55 pm

  • ^if a day of it was spent visiting those who you can no longer physically experience

    by: annon, Apr 27th at 2:57 pm

  • There are so many things I can say about your post, Robyn. When I first came across it yesterday, I didn’t have time to jot everything down, so I left your page up running on my laptop.

    First of all, the whole death thing.

    This post is very timely for me, because as of late, I’ve been reminding myself that I don’t have a limitless amount of time here, and I have a lot of things I’d like to offer to the world. One thing that bothers me is that, already, I don’t know if I’ll have “all the time in the wold” to learn, do, be, and give all that I’d like to.

    I don’t think I’m afraid of cemeteries, though I don’t know if I’d want to go into one alone at night!

    I myself lost a bother some years ago. He was 16. His demise was what you feared some nights when you were younger: he went to bed and didn’t wake up (that we know, anyway).

    Marriage – I saw that one of my ex’s is tying the knot, too–but don’t know when.

    You said that one of your biggest fears was “being forgotten and unnoticed.”

    Well, I don’t think that you–or anyone who actively keeps a personal blog or Facebook profile–have to worry about that. Your blog, especially if it catalogs pictures of your journey through life, becomes a digital album, and if you do a good job of expressing who you truly are, you can sort of become immortalized through it (as long as someone maintains it for you after you’re gone).

    I really should start my blog…and get a camera. I have so many thoughts that I’d like to share. I guess I’m doing that right now. Need to do that more often. Another thing to add to the list of things to do before I die. Hopefully, I’ll actually get it done before it’s too late. That’s procrastination for you.

    “There are those amongst us however, who have intentions of angels without any alternative game plan.”

    That whole paragraph is meaningful to me. Now, I’m not saying that I necessarily have the intentions of angels, but that sentence speaks to the ever-ensuing contest between light and dark: your higher nature versus the ego many come to acquire.

    In fact, without getting too deep, I think one of the main purposes of life is to transcend our human limitations, and ego is one of them. I mean, think about it: you’re born into this prison. The bars are all the negative aspects of humanity. The goal, then, is to break through these. These imitations and limitations (I just noticed that they’re almost the same word) aren’t real, though many people sure act as they are.

    The Mount Royal cemetery. That’s where a lot of us might end up!

    by: DK Fynn, Apr 28th at 6:19 am

  • Thank you for your heartfelt comment DK! You really should start things you want today (I know how hard it is to find the time), but while we are all awake we might as well live right?

    Thank you for pouring your heart out – it means a lot. I am sorry to hear that you lost your brother. I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for you.

    You are absolutely right about the transcendance out of the body and into a higher meaning… the mind can enslave us to traditions and ideals we don’t even necissarily believe.

    I believe in you, and know you will have a great life – never stop thinking so freely :)

    xox

    by: Robyn, Apr 28th at 9:50 am

  • Love the outfit! You look stunning in all these pictures. I don’t know how you did it though I am too scared to step one foot in a cemetery you’ve got guts! And regarding the first comment, whoever it was, jealousy got the better of them. You are gorgeous and an absolute inspiration Robyn! Looking forward to grabbing the Gazette on Saturday!!

    by: Aysha, Apr 28th at 9:36 pm

  • Hello again Robyn!

    I’m glad you liked my comment. I took your advice to heart and made a post to my site: http://dkfynn.com/nows-as-good-a-time-as-any

    by: DK Fynn, Apr 28th at 9:48 pm

  • Thank you so much for your kind words Aysha! You all lift my heart!!! I love you all!!!

    by: Robyn, Apr 29th at 12:16 am

  • Hi, It’s my first time here…and I swear I am stunned and in awe by the simpleness of your words and yet it is profound enough to take me in the world you create. You made readers think and analyze what is the only difference between living and dying…I love watching people pass by to wonder what they think when they move. I am so ecstatic to do that right in my very room because of your site. It’s nice to finally find a place that’s uniquely real. Giving me the priviledge of finding beauty of photos with captions as if I am reading an Angelou Maya. PLease don’t cease on what you do, cause starting tonight, I’m one of your greatest fan.

    PS,
    Sorry I left a drool on your page :)

    by: Heleina's mom, Jul 16th at 10:02 am

  • Wow thank you Heleina’s mom!!! I am truly flattered by your words, thank you for the love :)
    xox

    by: Robyn, Jul 16th at 11:35 pm

  • Amazing post.. cant believe i only came across it now.

    I love the cemetery in my hometown. Its a protected site (now a national park) due to the angel statues and gorgeous carvings. I love to visit my relatives and wander around and take some time for myself. Its one place I do not feel fear but.. there is such a sense of history there. Memories, sadness, happiness and a lot of love.. i feel the love that people had for each other.

    by: Tali, Aug 10th at 4:49 pm

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