So I know I may not be the ideal candidate to talk about what is right and wrong in a relationship… lord knows mine can be quite the roller coaster… however, with bumps comes experience and realizations.  Through mistakes comes wisdom and learning from them.  If there is one thing I do know, it’s that life and relationships are rarely ever just black and white.  They have shades and outside factors.  When there are emotions and personalities you cannot limit yourself or someone else without missing out in the end.  Flings and fresh new starts are fine and dandy, but when you’ve been with the person you love for years the rules change whether you like it or not.  So here are some of the things I’ve learned through my trials and tribulations…

• You can’t change someone.  Sure you can set up a structure so that both people establish a base of respect, but at the end of the day if you are expecting the person to react the same way as you, and handle everything in your demeanor you will only drive yourself nuts (and them too).  Do yourself a favor and embrace the person in their entirety.  Believe me, I know how hard this can be… I am always attracted to extreme personalities that can be VERY overwhelming, but really – once you let go of all your expectations you really allow yourself to love.

• Realize when someone is really being there for you and when they aren’t.  This is something I have found I’ve had to train myself to see as it is happening, because it is rarely ever apparent as “the right thing”.  Vlad has protected me when he could foresee a negative end result but I took it as him being jealous, protective or confrontational… in reality he was only trying to cushion the blow.  I am extremely stubborn and the moment someone tells me not to do something – I do it (guess I never got it out as a teen).  I try to see through the whack attitude and panic of the situation into the true intention of the person.  Opposing this, it is also incredibly important to call them on it when they aren’t there for you.  If you plan on being together in the long run you have to make it clear when your partner is not doing their job.  This can seem impossible at times (especially when you feel like you are being kicked while you are down and the person just ain’t getting it), but this is the time when you have to brush that dirt off ya shoulders and keep on fightin’ for the greater good.  Eventually, you can break down any wall.  Be strong, and try not to take things too personally.  This is how you correct and heal.

• Never EVER take someone for granted.  This, is my biggest fear in a relationship… and to some it seems like it is an inevitable step in a long term relationship.  I beg to differ.  The moment someone feels used, under appreciated or invisible is the moment they will reach out for something else to attach themselves to emotionally.  Don’t let it get to that point.  Say thank you, help out or compliment the one you love when they look beautiful or did a good job.  Be their rock and you be theirs.  Give them your greatest gift, your time, love and energy and expect the same back.

• Stand behind your partner.  Now, there are always things to disagree with or even point out and laugh about… but unless it is done in a delicate way it can completely bomb in your face.  Don’t cross that line of lashing out or teaming up with friends to joke about your lover… it only ends up looking like you are choosing sides, and in the end you have already chosen yours.  Don’t act like a gossiping high schooler – even when we all grow up words still hurt.

• Encourage your partner in their passions, beliefs and potential.  I can’t stand lovers who get possessive or jealous (even though my Scorpio man can do just that)… but when they use it as a way of suffocating you or holding you back it takes it to a completely unacceptable level.  People need freedom and a good shove to keep them motivated and on track.  Take an interest in what is important and meaningful to them and help them flourish.  One of the things I love the most about my babe is how much I learn from him every single day.  He pushes and helps me to accomplish dreams and sets the bar higher in my head than I ever originally plan.  He loves and understands when I come home with a new pair of shoes why I’m so excited.  He never makes me feel guilty for my actions or the fact that I am a little girl who loves little girl things   The fact that he accepts and encourages such a large part of my life and loves, shows a tremendous amount of respect for the person I really am.  No matter what endeavor my babe sets his heart on… RC cars, rock climbing, dungeons and dragons or currently fighting I want to forever be there to cheer him on from the sidelines

• Make time for each other.  Life is fast.  Work and family, chores and “to do’s” consume our lives if we are not careful.  Take an hour (at least) from every day to take a bath together, make dinner side by side, cuddle or make love.  Do couples things – not friends things.  Enjoy your intimacy and preserve it by paying close attention and never letting mundane tasks break that bond.

• Travel together.  If there is one thing that will bring you closer as a couple it’s traveling.  My trip to Hawaii saved our relationship flat out.  Vlad and I were going through some very rough times and I did not know honestly how much more I could take.  While a vacation will not fix your problems, it will definitely give you some time out when the shit is hitting the fan.  Those are the times you really need to preserve your energy and try to think as straight as you can without letting the emotional mess surrounding you control your life.  We also traveled to South Africa together after only months of dating!  Although it was a bit of a crazy leap to do together, we learn’t how to deal with each other for extremely long periods of time in the back seat (man he can be so annoying!!!), and cared for each other (and laughed about it later) throughout all the evil food poisoning… oh man was it bad!!!  LOL

• Make a decision and stick with it.  Honestly, for a large amount of time in my relationship I was very unsure about my future with Vlad.  Sometimes we rub each other such the wrong way that it can be hard to visualize a “sync” ever really happening where chemistry will completely align itself.  Then a life changing moment occurred – I made a horrible mistake and felt the reality of the possibility of losing him.  The pain and shame were excruciating.  I realized that maybe we never will be the “perfect” fit.  Maybe there really is someone out there for both of us who would just fit seamlessly into each others lives.  There would be no drama, just joy, just smooth sailing.  While the latter may seem like the obvious choice, it just does not interest me.  As flawed as we may be together I only want “us”.  I am willing to take the misunderstandings, the pain and the confusion for this person because they are WORTH it.  The good times we do have together are the best I’ve ever had, and I know this person feels the same way for me.  “We” may not be ideal, but he is for me and I for him.  Isn’t that really what marriage is?

• Never mix business with pleasure.  My man and I worked together and while it was not horrible at all, signals can definitely get confused!  Tones and figures of speech can get translated poorly and leave one better half feeling like they are being talked down to or as an employee.  Regardless of who is boss and being fair, you do have to compose yourself in a different manner in front of your significant other in the workplace.  Not saying to give them preferential treatment, just understand that whatever you screw up with in the workplace will surely come back to bite you in the ass when you get home.  I’d say if you can – avoid it… makes for unnecessary confusion and robs you of your personal time even when you are at home.

• See a therapist.  Seriously, if you are having communication issues (and really, who the hell isn’t) it is really amazing to have a third party dissect things a little and possibly present them to you in a different manner.  Women and men already speak different languages, so really whats so bad about a hired translator?!?  Helped us a lot, and while we have not been in quite a while I feel like it has really strengthened the way we do things in our relationship.  I guess you could say we are more aware?

• Have your own life.  There is nothing more annoying to the outsiders perspective than those couples that dress, talk and walk alike… so if you are one of them – KNOCK IT OFF!  Be your own person, continue living the life you had before you met so-and-so and dropped off the face of the earth and keep that independence.  Not only is it sexy to not be leeching off another human being, but it adds so much more respect and value to yourself in the other persons eyes.  In a sick and twisted way it shows that you don’t need them and can survive without them… which of course makes them want to prove to you that much more how much you really DO need them to exist in the world… ;P

All in all it is about trust and respect.  Know that my relationship has lasted through both of those fundamentals being broken, and while we do have our weak days we are now stronger than ever.

I feel like in a life where bombs are constantly going off, I have found someone who is right in the middle of the war with me holding my hand and refusing to let go.

I love you babe, and promise to keep trying till the end of all time for you.

xox

P.S.  I suppose the candy pics are to attempt at sugarcoating the intensity of this post?  Who am I kidding… the pictures are pretty – I don’t need a god damn reason (scanned from Eye Candy Mag)

There are certain words every single human being needs to hear.  My great aunt Joanne (above on the left, to the right is my grandmother) on my father’s side was a huge inspiration to me, and for the brief time I knew her (family history issues) she changed my life in every way a person can.  She always provided the advice I needed to hear that actually got through to me.  She was one of the strongest, most stubborn and independent women I have ever known.  I must say, I miss her with all my heart and try to live everyday fulfilling the possibility she saw in me and the world itself.  Below is one of the most beautifully haunting letters I have ever received.  I received this just before my 21st birthday (I am now 24) when she was dying of cancer… so beautiful, honest and brave that I can’t help but cry my heart out as I write this…

January 4, 2006

“Well Robyn, I may not be around to wish you a happy 21st birthday in person, but you better beleive I’ll be with you in spirit on your special day & for the rest of your life.

I’m so grateful I got to know you in the, too, short time we had together.

While I love you for many reasons, I’m proud of you for listening to your heart & soul & for trying to do the right thing.

Stepping away from the crowd takes courage – sometimes it’s lonely because few dare to realize their potential.  But, it will be more rewarding in the long run & you will meet a few people who are diamonds in your life’s path.

Find your passions, in work, leisure, friendships, family & invest those passions with your efforts.  The time we are given is finite & too precious to waste on people who are “stuck” or can’t rejoice in the wonder that is life.

I wish I could pass on more life lessons as you age, but I trust you have the wisdom to discover your own guiding truths.

Know that I loved you before you were born & I will love you beyond death.  I’m with you, in your heart, always.

So please honour my life by living yours in rich colour.  Let sadness lead you to joy – to an appreciation of the possible.

I celebrate your 21st on the 21st.  May it be a day of auspiciously dazzling beginnings.”

April 12, 2006

“I’m still here to add my final note about your tuition.  I promised to put money aside for your schooling until you turned 21.  Then I would release the remainder to you.  Happy 21st.  The money is for your tuition – hope it helps you get ahead of the demand.

I wish you nothing but success.

I’m cheering for you, no matter where I am.

All my love,

Joanne”

My aunt hung in until my 21st birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  She passed on only a few days later.  I know how much pain she endured just so that I could enjoy my day with her still in my life.  This is the most generous thing (and will be for the rest of my life) anybody has ever done in my honor.  Completely selfless, she was the epitome of determination.  There are so many ways and reasons I feel I am eternally indebted to her for.  It is really incredible the power some people are capable of, and so true that one action can creates reactions all over the world.

I know this is a heavy post, but I couldn’t possibly celebrate where I am in life without thinking of all the people who guided me here and cheer me on every single day.

Joanne helped me pay my way through fashion design school and always stood behind me chasing my dreams.  She believed in me, even when I made mistakes.  She inspired me and encouraged me along my learning process.  I have nothing but eternal gratitude towards having had her in my life as well as family.  I hope this reaches someone else who just needs to hear it, that there is someone out there (or above) cheering you on to be the best you can be.

I am cheering you all on!  Go for it!

… Alright… enough… my sweater is drenched, need to kick my ass to the Kleenex box…

xox