Every time I sit down to write something either here, or elsewhere (old fashioned journal style included), I get a bad case of the doubts.  That grey area of having so much to say, and feeling like you’re either being straight up repetitive, or downright boring.  It goes a little something like this… dedicate an hour, two, sometimes even three to developing, writing, and thinking through what I have to say, only to save it as a draft, and delete entirely the very next time I open it up to further it (you’d be surprised how many times I’ve restarted on this post alone).  Call me a one shot Sally, but I find it excruciating to add to anything I work on after the inspired train of thought has sailed.  I know this is a direct discipline problem, but it stretches much further than the mere act of sitting through the work side of it while straying from distraction.

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Maybe the block has a little more to do with my newfound vow to preserve my own privacy.  Always having been one to spill the beans to my supporters in their many forms, it seems as though the pull back from it all has severed a part of my creativity when it comes to contributing to this blog.  Holding back feels comparable to lying, as stupid as that may sound.  While I’m not necessarily going to dish on my deepest and darkest, the intimate details that I felt had more of a home in this dialogue since the start, are really what I’m missing.  That personal therapy if I really sum it all down.  I want to share more with you, reconnect.

There are so many changes happening with me, and within my lifestyle (if instagram didn’t give it all away).  If I’m completely honest with you, as much as I’ve never felt more amazing (or like myself), I also feel somewhat lost in my new roles and beginnings.  You could almost compare me to a nightclubber who suddenly became a mom and changed everything she was ever used to (a little shell shocked).  Before you think of that as too vivid of an extreme, know that I fully understand the ever-flowing changes life constantly dishes out – ready for them or not.  It’s most likely a coming of age thing, but I look back on what my life has been up until now, know the best is still yet to come, and realize the very scary reality it could also be (in case you’re wondering… no, I’m not referring to marriage).  Never before has money played a bigger picture in comfort regarding the future.  Never before have I been more aware of my body and what hurts it.  Never before have I felt like I’ve both gained a glow and lost my shine.  Although I have no cause or reason for it, I feel one sad statistic away from a mere mortal clinging to every last morsel of innocence and unpredictable youth they may have had.  The most confusing part of it all, is that I wouldn’t want to regain it even if I could.  I like the newfound wisdom and realization that has come with it all, it’s more that I just don’t know what to do with it all yet.  The awkwardness is worse than anything I ever felt as a teenager.  The feeling is authentic though, and it fits on me.  I’ve just got to learn how to grow into it with a smile.  There are so many amazing women out there that I look up to.  You know, the ones that make it all look sunny and easy (and maybe it truly is!).  My inner quest is to blossom as beautifully as they do, while creating the life I’ve only ever dreamt of.

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Like any primarily english person living in Montreal, work can be a very frustrating realm to deal with.  Here, I am un-hireable.  Suits me just fine, as it is that very discomfort that pushes (and forces) me to find ulterior routes in my path.  The trick is doing it the way you want, and without compromising yourself.  If it weren’t for a few very special people in my life, I would never know my worth (and probably still don’t due to biases).  I would never consider myself deserving of many things, never have had the strength or confidence to pursue them, and inevitably be far from where I am today.  And while I may be nowhere in the great scheme of things, I am also further than I ever thought I could be at my age.  Call me an underachiever, but I’ve always mentally imagined (and reserved) the greater things I wanted in life for further down the road.  I wouldn’t even tag it as low self-esteem or confidence.  It really was more of a voyeur kind of thing… watching too many movies and naively thinking everyone around me was more suited and fit for the roles that seemed too big for me to fill. Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 6.08.42 PM

It is these very mentalities that get you nowhere but stuck in front of your television your entire life, robbing you of the first hand experiences you second-handedly enjoy from the comfort of your own home.  It is exactly then when you must shut the tube off, and begin picking up the pieces of your shattered, uneventful life.  I’m not saying go climb Mount Eiger or anything as drastic, but maybe spend undivided time with someone you love (even if it happens to be a pug).  Read a book.  Take a course.  Go to yoga.  Write something.  Fix something.  Hell, climb Mount Eiger for all I care.  Just do it (Nike, you win again).  Invest in yourself when no one else does.  Raise your value.  You are only ever as small time as your surroundings and shorthanded mentality allow.

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With a little break in this text, there are so many new frivolities I’ve adopted and discovered lately.  Daily yoga has become my life (I just accomplished my first handstand with wall support the other day!), I’ve developed a love and urge to create my own appreciation/goddess shrine (I’m thinking my Jon Todd painting will serve as an amazing focal point), have been savouring early morning wake ups all to myself (harsh at first, but oh so satisfying when you realize the productivity it allows), and have been balancing responsibility and fun at a level where I can thoroughly enjoy the benefits of both.  I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m on the road to achieving a perfect life balance (and it’s crazy exciting!).  Of course reward comes in varying forms, and I always love seeing my published work come out on newsstands (these beauty pages are from the current issue of Dress To Kill – check ‘em out).
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Getting back to the heavy stuff, the very same doubt that identifies itself to me as constantly restarting my thought and work process, is the same inconsistent stream you’ve got to kill.  Excuse me for really jumping everywhere with this text today (I feel like it’s a bit all over the place), feel free to let me know if I’m sounding like a broken record – I promise not to take it to heart.  There is a lot of power in streamlining your ambitions and goals, making up your mind, choosing a route.  Of course, it’s always good to know when something truly isn’t working for you and putting you in danger (both skillfully and financially), but most of the time, I feel like indecision and giving up top the list of not getting deeper into what you love doing.  It’s never easy to apply your aspirations to the real world (it seems there’s always a degree, amount of money, or circumstance you lack towards getting there), but once you know what you want, it’s much easier to streamline your way there (even if it does take a lifetime!).

While I think it’s SO important to plan for the future (I just finished Kevin O’Leary’s The Cold Hard Truth About Men, Women & Money, and it’s scared me financially straight – I highly recommend it if finances aren’t your forte), there is a lot to be said of the individual who stretches the now without paying attention to distraction (in it’s many forms).  The person who takes pride in working their way up, being where they are at that instant, and pursuing a higher quality of life for themselves and their family.  It’s okay to just revel of the discomfort and promise of the moment!

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NYFW is already almost upon us once more, and I’m going into beast mode preparation in honour of it all (excited that I’ll even be able to attend two days of MFW).  In many ways, my newfound early morning wake ups are training for the early mornings, long days, and even more work I fetishly look forward to.  I personally think most people in fashion are masochists.

On a top secret note, there have been some business changes happening in my life, and I’m proud to announce that I’ve partnered up and will be releasing more details of my soon to be launched agency!  It is something that still needs much work, but that I am so, so proud of.  I also need to apologize for everyone out there awaiting my new newsletter.  Totally my bad that I didn’t get the chance to send one out like I would have liked during the holidays, but there will be great ones to come, I can assure you.  Feel free to cuss me out in the comment form below…

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I’m going to attempt to pull off a breakfast in bed for the man now… pray to the gods of morning silence and pan banging on my behalf!  Have a beautiful weekend, whatever it is you decide to do.

xox

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